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Albuquerque

アーティスト：Weird Al" Yankovic  アルバム：Running With Scissors  作詞：YANKOVIC ALFRED MATTHEW  作曲：YANKOVIC ALFRED MATTHEW 

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Way back when I was just a little bitty boy Living in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement of the house Half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait shop You know the place Well, anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy! Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning My mother would make me a big ol' bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast Awww, big bowl of sauerkraut! Every single mornin'! It was driving me crazy I said to my mom I said, "Hey, mom, what's up with all the sauerkraut?" And my dear, sweet mother She just looked at me like a cow looks at an oncoming train And she leaned right down next to me And she said, "It's good for you!" And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was twenty six and a half years old That's when I swore that someday Someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer And the towels are oh so fluffy Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long And anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel Wacka wacka doodoo yeah! Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest To see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize That's right, a first class one-way ticket to Albuquerque Albuquerque Oh yeah You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before And I gotta tell ya, it was really great Except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts And the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore And, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out And we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died Except for me You know why? 'Cause I had my tray table up And my seat back in the full upright position Had my tray table up And my seat back in the full upright position Had my tray table up And my seat back in the full upright position Ah ha ha ha Ah ha ha Ahhhh So I crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days Draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag And my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball And my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel But finally I arrived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn Where the towels are oh so fluffy And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna It's okay, they're clean! Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C And I turned on the SpectraVision And I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow That I love so very, very much when suddenly, there's a knock on the door Well now, who could that be? I say, "Who is it?" No answer "Who is it?" There's no answer "WHO IS IT?" They're not sayin' anything So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected It's some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock Of Seagulls haircut and only one nostril Oh man, I hate it when I'm right So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel And I'm like, "Hey, you can't have that! That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me!" And he's like, "Tough." And I'm like, "Give it!" And he's like, "Make me." And I'm like, "'kay!" So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus And I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows And I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation Yes, indeed, you better believe it And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook And twenty seconds later, I heard a familiar voice And you know what it said? I'll tell you what it said It said "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again; "If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator. "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again; "If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator." In Albuquerque Albuquerque Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel But I made a a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest I would not sleep for an instant until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice But first, I decided to buy some donuts So I got in my car and I drove over to the donut shop And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter And he says, "Yeah, what do ya want?" I said, "You got any glazed donuts?" He said, "No, we're outta glazed donuts." I said, "You got any jelly donuts?"



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