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Just Another Dime Store Novel

アーティスト：Tom Waits  アルバム：Tales From the Underground 4  作詞：WAITS THOMAS ALAN/WAITS TOM  作曲：WAITS THOMAS ALAN/WAITS TOM 

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Stop me if you've heard this one. Well, I said, looky here, baby, I'm here for the same reason you are. I've been married to the same woman for twenty-five years, and not once has she asked me what I do for a living. She tells me that she loves me but I know that she's a gyppy. I find matchbooks in her purse from every goddam bar in town. Her mother's a transvestite and her father was always a Fuller Brush man, but he was bald as a doorknob and hell, I was afraid to try. I had a vasectomy when I was thirteen years old, when I knocked up this thirteen hundred pound Mexican woman. I didn't have a green card and I worked for her father for seven years, at the Hermasillo Chamber of Commerce. Hell, I had minimum wage and shit, and I finally told him hey, he could have his job for crying out loud. And I told her I was going out for a pack of cigarettes one night. I got into a taxi cab and told him to take me to East St Louis, I'll pay whatever's on the meter. Now that's when I hooked up with this pharmacist, you see? Yeah, this pharmacist, crazy pharmacist, you see? Let me sweep up in the apothecary for a hot meal and some Neosenephrin while I studied hotel management at night. Well, I finally got ready for the exam and I rented a room above a barber shop, when Jimmy the Lock one night broke in, stole some Lucky Tiger, a half pint of Bay Rum, and a 'Field & Stream' magazine. I caught a cross-town bus. Well you see, I told the guy to let me off at the nearest bar and I walked inside and what do you know? That's right! A girl I hadn't seen in fifteen years recognized me after a shave and told me that she thought we could make beautiful music together. And I said, 'Baby, I have a tin ear' and she said, 'Shit, I have a glass eye and a bum leg'. So we went to her place and I found she was running guns to Africa and selling Avon products without a license, so I borrowed a car to go to the beach and meet new friends. Damn! Eh-he-he... Well, that ain't the half of it, man, you know... boy, have I got troubles, man... Well, I was pulled over for driving without sunglasses and Bermudas, and I was harassed and intimidated until we got to talking about Pete Kelly's blues, and I know a guy named Webb, and they gave me a free color brochure booklet on how to avoid child molesting, and I drove away with a new lease on life and ten dollars in my pocket, which I spent on an out-of-print Cozy Cole album at Music Man Murray's, which I considered an investment in the future. Along with a hi-fi recording of the 1959 Grand Prix at Sebring, which was in the wrong jacket and turned out to be a Rudy Ray Moore album. Well anyhow, I'd been trying to lay my hands on that sucker for years, and needless to say I was beside myself, so I turned to myself and I said 'Hey Earl! You gonna be a bum all your life?' You know. I said, 'Are you talking to ME?' Eh-he... Earl was one of my aliases at the time, you see. I was traveling under the name of Earl Scheib, maybe you've heard of me? Well anyhow, to make a long story short, I threw in with these Italian guys in Montebello. Well, they talked me into opening up a used-food restaurant, and hell you know, you got used cars, used clothes, used furniture, why not used food, well? For the less fortunate people who don't get out much, you know what I mean. Anyhow, on opening night this one-armed bass-player goes berserk right in front of the goddam place. With search lights and all, well that attracted the authorities over there.. eh-he... They were tipped off, you see. I always



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